So yeah, I was going to predict the entire playoff bracket last week but I ended up going to visit family and didn’t have the time. Probably for the best because I was DEFINITELY picking the Patriots and Eagles to win so I’d be sitting at .500 right about now and it’s all downhill from there. Anyway, it’s 6:00 AM on the Saturday morning of the divisional round and I’m going to tell the future real quick. Here is how the playoffs are going to work the rest of the way
Divisional Round
AFC
#6 Tennessee Titans @ #1 Baltimore Ravens – 1/11 8:15 PM
A Mike Vrabel-led Tennessee Titans roster quarterbacked by Ryan Tannehill just went into Foxboro and shut out Tom Brady’s Patriots for an entire half to win a playoff game. If you ever needed proof that we live in a simulation, there you fucking go. Now, I want everybody to hold their fucking horses before we start predicting shit about the Titans that we will regret. They are not winning this game. Tennessee actually had the better roster in their matchup against New England, especially along the offensive line and at wide receiver. They caught the Patriots at the worst possible time and ran the ball down their throats in a boring, calculated win that a lot of people saw coming. That being said, I just don’t see them scoring enough on Baltimore to make this a competitive game. They have the defense to sort of hang in there, but Ryan Tannehill is not going to come anywhere close to matching the league MVP’s production through the air, and he can’t even fucking dream of doing it on the ground. The Titans win their games by getting ahead and winning a war of attrition, but that’s pretty hard to do when the other team is basically guaranteed to score a touchdown on 2 of their first 3 possessions. Big trust. 40-24 BAL
#4 Houston Texans @ #2 Kansas City Chiefs – 1/12 3:05 PM
Ah, the 2017 quarterback draft class is coming into their own as leaders of NFL franchises. Patrick Mahomes is literally reinventing the meaning of “passing offense” on a weekly basis. Deshaun Watson has fantastic chemistry with fellow Clemson alumnus Deandre Hopkins and literally no one else on the offense except Will Fuller that one week. Mitchell Trubisky is…there. Deshone Ki- ok well these two young star quarterbacks are hard at work building their playoff resumes, and this game is going to be a big one for those early legacies. While I trust Deshaun to keep this game close, there is no shot Houston is moving on to the AFC Championship unless JJ Watt has a 13-sack game or some shit. Patrick Mahomes is about to roast that secondary alive. Houston’s offensive line is about to get sodomized by a defensive front that is actually pretty good even though it takes a second to remember who Kansas City has on defense (Frank Clark! Yeah I remember that guy! Chris Jones too!) It’s also concerning that Deandre Hopkins has decided to disappear for a solid quarter or two at a time this year. I really don’t see Kansas City losing this game when Andy Reid has had two weeks to gameplan, Mahomes is finally as close to healthy as he’s going to get this season, they got Damien Williams back, Tyreek Hill isn’t suspended, KC has better players at the majority of the positions on the field, and it’s a home game. 33-20 KC
NFC
#6 Minnesota Vikings @ #1 San Francisco 49ers – 1/11 4:35 PM
Something about these 6 seeds this year, man. Let me tell you something, though. The Minnesota Vikings are no ordinary 6 seed. They aren’t some scrub ass team that won a bunch of irrelevant games and snuck into the playoffs even though they don’t belong (coughthetitansmostyearscough). The only reason Minnesota isn’t the NFC North champion is because the ball kept rolling Green Bay’s way, leading to them winning 13 games, and Dalvin Cook got hurt late in the year. Well, now Dalvin is back and in decent health, just in time to face off against the hottest team in the conference. I mean holy shit, the 49ers have swagger. They remind me so much of the 2017 Eagles. They just go out and do it, man. Heavy hitters everywhere. A rock-solid defense. Players performing way above their grade, I mean they have some motherfucker named Jeff Wilson pounding the rock for 4 yards a carry on inside runs. This is going to be a really, really fun game to watch. Ultimately though, I think we should be on upset alert. Neither quarterback is exactly a world beater, let’s make that clear. I’ll be honest though, I’d probably rather take Kirk Cousins to lead my offense, and I would certainly take him with the supporting cast around him when you compare it to San Francisco. Don’t get me wrong – Emmanuel Sanders still has it, Deebo Samuel is going to be a star, and George Kittle is an absolute force of nature – but I’d rather take two arguably top-ten receivers in Adam Thielen and Stefon Diggs and an aging but still reliable Kyle Rudolph over that, especially with a line that is slightly better. The defenses are probably a wash, as they both have studs and duds in the starting roster. Let’s be honest for a second, the home-field advantage at Levi Stadium isn’t really all that impressive, and it’s a warm-weather playoff game in San Francisco. The fans are probably more excited about planning their next Gay Pride parade than watching this game in all honesty. It’s not an intimidating prospect for Minnesota to walk into, especially when you consider they just handed Drew Brees his ass in the Superdome last week. Give me purple. 27-24 MIN
#5 Seattle Seahawks @ #2 Green Bay Packers – 1/12 6:40 PM
I don’t understand why this is the primetime Sunday game. I don’t understand why people are picking Seattle to win it. Russell Wilson is fully capable of leading this injury-riddled Seattle roster into Lambeau Field and kicking Aaron Rodgers’ Packers in the teeth in the freezing midwestern cold, but it’s way more likely that the Seahawks are going to fold like they didn’t get the river. Just last week, they needed a last-minute stop to stop 40-year-old Josh McCown with a torn hamstring, injured rookie Miles Sanders, and the lethal receiving core of Greg Ward, JJ Arcega-Whiteside and the ghost of Zach Ertz from sending their asses back to Starbucks for the offseason, and now they’re just going to slap Green Bay around? I know bullshit when I see it. Fuck Seattle, they’re the most fraudulent team remaining in the playoffs by far and in all honesty were very fortunate to have the first-round matchup they did, AND see Carson Wentz exit in the first quarter. I hope Jadeveon Clowney doesn’t record a single stat the entire game and then suffers a non-contact injury late in the 4th quarter. Green Bay has the better team, they are led by a quarterback who, despite some struggles this year, has proven to show up in big games, and they are the hosts. I don’t see any reason whatsoever to pick against them confidently. 30-14 GB
Conference Championship Round
AFC
#2 Kansas City Chiefs @ #1 Baltimore Ravens – 1/19 3:05 PM
Wow, what a surprise. These were the best two teams in the conference all year, it’s not exactly a hot take to match these teams up, but wow is this a fantastic matchup. A rematch of an early-season bout for the ages, this time in Baltimore instead of Kansas City. Two quarterbacks who are changing everything people think a quarterback should realistically be able to do right in front of our eyes. The 2018 and 2019 league Most Valuable Players. Oh, and the rest of their teams as well. This game will be a high-scoring shootout or I will be severely disappointed in the product. Hopefully, the refs will stay out of the way and let the match decide itself. I personally am on Team Chiefs for this one. Andy Reid, as much as he has disappointed in January throughout the years, is a better coach than John Harbaugh. Pat Mahomes is the best pure passer in the NFL, and his supporting cast is fantastic. Baltimore is capable of matching up and challenging KC’s offense to make tough plays with Elite Corner Marlon Humphrey, Marcus Peters, and all-world safety Earl Thomas anchoring their secondary, but I just have a gut feeling that it’s not going to be possible. In a similar vein, I don’t think Kansas City’s defense stands a shot in hell at stopping Lamar Jackson’s passing attack, but I think they’re going to get the job done in run defense. Tyrann Mathieu is going to be all over the field. Put it simply, I trust Andy Reid and Pat Mahomes to will their team to a win in this one. Especially since they’ve been here before. 41-39 KC
NFC
#6 Minnesota Vikings @ #2 Green Bay Packers – 1/19 6:40 PM
Welcome back to the annual NFC North Champi-oh shit this is just the conference chip now. Once again, Minnesota is going to have to make the trip slightly east out of the comfort of their dome and into the swirling winds of Wisconsin. Once again, that baaaaaaaad man is going to be waiting there for them. I really like Green Bay in this matchup. Aaron Rodgers doesn’t have to be a hero to win this game. He just has to pretend he’s Tom Brady for four quarters – hand the ball off to Aaron Jones, dump it off to Jamaal Williams, find Davante Adams on slants, and take about two deep shots throughout the entire game. Game manage, keep the ball out of Kirk Cousins’ – and by extension Adam Thielen and Dalvin Cook’s – hands, and put up about 275 yards of passing offense and two touchdowns. Green Bay will cruise. This will be the Aaron Jones Coming Out Party. He’s been a stud all year, and I see no better opportunity for the team to lean on him than in a must-win matchup in sub-freezing temperatures with a chance to play in the Super Bowl on the line. Minnesota’s Cinderella run ends here. 17-10 GB
Super Bowl 54
#2 Kansas City Chiefs vs #2 Green Bay Packers – 2/2 6:30 PM
These predictions will likely be hella wrong, but let’s get one thing straight: whoever wins the AFC is winning the Super Bowl this year. It’s either going to be Baltimore or KC, but if Houston or Tennessee pull some bullshit and somehow make it, they’re winning that shit too. In this matchup, Pat Mahomes’ Chiefs will mop the floor with the Green Bay Packers, as tough as it is to say. Green Bay’s defense is actually pretty good, but they also allowed San Francisco to take a fat dump on them in a pivotal matchup earlier this year. Now that the tape is out there for Andy Reid to study for two weeks, there is no shot they will ever stop the Kansas City offense. They’d be lucky to force a punt. Despite Aaron Rodgers’ most valiant efforts, KC will cruise. If their defense is good enough to even somewhat stop Lamar Jackson, they will box whoever they play next. That’s stamped, congrats to Andy Reid on finally winning his first Lombardi. Extremely well deserved. 35-23 KC
So, that’s all she wrote for the 2019 NFL Season. It’s a real bummer that my birds got bounced in the first round last week, but not every swing you take is gonna be a line drive I guess. This is exactly how the NFL season will end, down to the exact scores. You’re welcome for the future earnings on myBookie.
DaColdestBlog ToEvaDoIt 