Football is back, and the NFL already clearly has some new power dynamics in play to go along with some old stalwarts. Without wasting any more time, here are my kneejerk, overreaction-based power rankings based on what we saw in Week 1, brought to you by an Eagles fan still in shock after watching his shitty franchise get dismantled by the fucking Washington Redskins // Red WashingTeam // Football Team From Washington assholes from DC.

1. Baltimore Ravens (1-0, W1)

It’s the Lamar Jackson revenge tour and no one is safe. Rajon Rondo’s taller brother continued the yearly tradition of shitting on the Browns (I know we all just thought of an Odell joke but let’s try to hold it in), playing NFL football on rookie difficulty and making grown men look like JV football players from a midwestern high school. Marquise Brown is fully healthy and looks really good as a deep threat. Now that Earl Thomas is not longer around to block for the other team and fight his teammates, this team looks fucking unstoppable.

Next Week: @ Texans, Sun 4:25 PM

2. New Orleans Saints (1-0, W1)

I am struggling to understand how the Saints not only whipped the shit out of Tom Brady’s Bucs, but dropped 34 fucking points on their dome while only throwing Michael Thomas like three slant routes. It’s honestly appalling how good this team might be this year until it actually matters in the playoffs. Alvin Kamara is impossible to tackle and could probably carry Nola to like 8 wins with Nathan Peterman at quarterback if he had to. Jared Cook is a man. Their defense is fucking unfair, they completely shut down a hobbled Mike Evans until it didn’t matter and kept Chris Godwin in check for an entire four quarters. Their special teams are good. Their coaching is solid. They’re mostly healthy, and made the absolute alpha move of calling a flea flicker to Alvin Kamara in garbage time just to give one last huge middle finger to Tom Brady in a game-long teabagging. If this keeps up, they shouldn’t drop out of my top 5 all year.

Next Week: @ Josh Jacobs, Mon 8:15 PM

3. Seattle Seahawks (1-0, W1)

Mr Unliiimited did his fucking thing in Week 1, carrying Seattle past a lowkey talented Atlanta team in Week 1. #LetRussCook is a real thing, Seattle threw the ball in 68% of neutral situations and their corny, God-fearing quarterback delivered with a huge performance. The defense, while unspectacular on paper, looked solid with Jamal Adams chilling with his big new contract on the back end. I like this team.

Next Week: vs Patriots, Sun 8:20 PM

4. Kansas City Chiefs (1-0, W10)

“But Vic, where the hell are the Chiefs?” your dumb ass asks. Right here at 4, where they belong. I want you to look me in the eye, in the fucking windows of my soul, and tell me you aren’t worried about Kansas City’s defense. I know their division sucks and they’ll coast to 12 wins even if Mahomes gets hurt, but look me in the fucking face and tell me that their defense is a non-issue. Then tell me all about how Clyde Edwards-Helaire being the 32^nd overall pick makes so much sense for a team that literally won the Super Bowl with Damien Williams doing the exact same thing Clyde is going to do. I’m just saying, the day KC doesn’t score at least 28 points in a game is the day we become realistic with the expectations for this team again. The Chiefs are great. They’re also not going 16-0 and are not the best team in their conference.

Next Week: @ Chargers, Sun 4:25 PM

5. Green Bay Packers (1-0, W1)

I honestly fucking hate putting the Packers here. They aren’t the fifth best team in the league, but I can’t stop thinking about one question which will pretty much decide how the NFC goes this year: Is prime Aaron Rodgers really back? I mean, we all saw the same game on Sunday, right? He was fucking unbelievable. We’re talking about a team that plays the Saints in Week 3, Bucs in Week 6, and 49ers in Week 9. Outside of their rematch with Minnesota and their games against whatever versions of Detroit and Philly decide to show up, Green Bay has a fucking cakewalk of a schedule after Week 10. We’re talking about a team that, for better or for worse, was able to outlast a really well-coached Vikings offense and absolutely SHIT on their defense. That’s top-2 seed shit right there.

Next Week: vs Lions, Sun 1:00 PM

6. Arizona Cardinals (1-0, W1)

You heard it here first, the Arizona Cardinals are the second best team in the NFC West. Adding DeAndre Hopkins to an offense with a second-year Kyler Murray who was already going to break out anyway, decent run game, and marginally improved line (they really could only get better, realistically) has made playing the matchup game against Arizona a fucking nightmare. Their defense is actually solid, and outside of getting buttfucked by Raheem Mostert a few times actually did a pretty good job, making Jimmy Garoppolo look like the replacement-level quarterback he always has been. Bottom line, the Cardinals just handed the reigning NFC champions one of the fattest Ls of Week 1, and the only reason we’re not talking about it more is because the Eagles imploded, Jalen Ramsey flopped, and a 43 year old Tom Brady shockingly lost in his first start to the Saints.

Next Week: vs Football Team (hahahahaha), Sun 4:05 PM

7. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0, W1)

Ok, let’s address the only redeeming factor from either of the two God-awful Monday Night Football games: Benny Snell. The guy who carried Kentucky Football my senior year of high school lost some weight and looks faster than ever, and at this point is basically James Conner. It worries me that Pittsburgh took so long to put a shitty Giants team away, but they also held Saquon to like 3 rushing yards so there is definitely a lot of upside to this team. We’ll see.

Next Week: vs Broncos, Sun 1:00 PM

8. Los Angeles Rams (1-0, W1)

So the Rams christened their new JerryWorld replica by beating the Dallas Cowboys on the back of several poor coaching and referee decisions in the fourth quarter. EVERYBODY liked that. Honestly, the Rams are pretty high up on this list, but I really liked what I saw out of their defense. Jared Goff might be the quarterback equivalent of a dry handjob, but he still gets the job done and I sincerely doubt he will have many more games without throwing for 300 yards or a touchdown. The line is solid. The hype around Sean McVay was brutally murdered in its sleep last year but he’s still a pretty damn good coach. 8^th best.

Next Week: @ Eagles, Sun 1:00 PM

9. Buffalo Bills (1-0, W1)

Let’s get one thing straight. The Bills had the easiest gimme of a win last week and Josh Allen is still fucking terrible at anything that involves throwing a football. The fact that Buffalo only won by 10 points (I know, I know, it wasn’t that close) is embarrassing as fuck and a huge sign that New England is going to win this division again…..buuuuut they have the best defense in the division by a lot, are well coached, and have enough pieces on offense to save Josh Allen from himself. That should be enough to do more than just compete this season.

Next Week: @ Dolphins, Sun 1:00 PM

10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1, L3)

I’m not going to overreact to an 11-point loss to the #2 team in the league on the road in Week 1. I won’t do it. Everybody knows that quarterbacks in their first year running Bruce Arians’ system throw a ton of picks and it hurts the team. Tom Brady is not immune to that, and there will be some growing pains even for him. But if Chris Godwin and Mike Evans weren’t both somehow hurt after literally a week of football, this team would be ranked 6 or 7 on this list. Now that all the dickriders have temporarily stopped singing the praises of Gronk and Brady for a week, we can finally get a good look at this team in Week 2 and see what they’re really made of.

Next Week: vs Panthers, Sun 1:00 PM

11. New England Patriots (1-0, W1)

Who. The fuck. Let. Bill. Belichick. Get. Cam. Newton.

I’m not even going to comment on this team, they will end up on top of the division and in the top 10 of these rankings by Week 6, once they figure out how to beat Miami by more than 10 points.

Next Week: @ Seahawks, Sun 8:20 PM

12. Atlanta Falcons (0-1, L1)

Okay so hear me out. The Falcons aren’t going to be playing the Seattle Seahawks every week. All they need is the slightest bit more defense than a fucking cloth face covering and they will be fine. Atlanta’s offense looked great. They could probably beat the Bucs. Just saying.

Next Week: @ Cowboys, Sun 1:00 PM

13. Dallas Cowboys (0-1, L1)

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha get fucked. But seriously, Zeke looked really good. Your coach just sucks and that’s the real reason you lost, not the terrible pass interference call. Oh, and that’s a nice Big 12 secondary you have there.

Next Week: vs Falcons, Sun 1:00 PM

14. Tennessee Titans (1-0, W1)

The next two teams on this list were in the conference championship round a year ago, and I still have absolutely no fucking idea how that happened at all. Tennessee, let’s just face it, is such a boring piece of shit team with no direction. Their defense was impressive against Denver, who couldn’t really figure out how to move the ball despite Drew Lock being the second coming apparently, but holy fuck does it suck watching Derrick Henry carry the ball 30 times a game just for the kicker to miss a field goal. It was hard to hear the announcers on the MNF game over the sound of my brother snoring. This team is so fucking average and I still have them ranked #1 in the AFC South somehow…so basically the AFC South is the NFC East.

Next Week: vs Jaguars, Sun 1:00 PM

15. San Francisco 49ers (0-1, L2)

I just feel like I should be ranking San Francisco lower at this point. Kittle is injured, Jimmy G looks like shit, Sherman is hurt, their secondary regressed, they coach is still a cocky prick, they have no receivers, and they refuse to give Jerick McKinnon more touches. I don’t see anything on this team that currently merits a return to the PLAYOFFS, let alone the Super Bowl. But that’s just me being a hater I guess. Enjoy the free win.

Next Week: @ Jets, Sun 1:00 PM

16. Minnesota Vikings (0-1, L2)

There is no war in Ba Sing Se. There is no defense in Minnesota. There is no second receiving threat next to Adam Thielen. There is no reason to not give Dalvin Cook the ball. Minnesota doesn’t suck, but their defense kind of does. Aaron Rodgers did scary bad man things to them and I ranked them too low, didn’t I?

Next Week: @ Colts, Sun 1:00 PM

17. Josh Jacobs (1-0, W1)

The Las Vegas Josh Jacobs’ had a really good start to their year offensively, but their defense was fucking putrid and it hurt me to watch. In particular, the run game and literally only the run and screen game was really productive and might actually be sustainable. The line blocked pretty well and despite the defense literally playing like the 2018 Rutgers Scarlet Knights, the Josh Jacobs’ got the job done and might actually have a successful campaign despite the best efforts of Derek Carr and anyone on their defensive roster.

Next Week: vs Saints, Mon 8:25 PM

18. Houston Texans (0-1, L2)

DeAndre Hopkins is much better than David Johnson at football but it’s so unfair to judge this team based off of a Week 1 matchup against the Chiefs. Learn to pass protect and guard small #3 receivers, please. Have fun allowing 500 yards of total offense to Lamar Jackson.

Next Week: vs Ravens, Sun 4:25 PM

19. Chicago Bears (1-0, W1)

Ok so hear me out. Ready? Mitch Trubisky will undeniably be a top-20 quarterback in the league by most metrics this year. That’s a ridiculously low bar, but here’s how it happens. He plays like shit for the first half, then telepathically swaps minds with Carson Wentz at halftime and gains powers only granted by the Almighty to win the game. That is the only possible explanation for what happened in the Detroit game. Only Jesus himself could cause D’Andre Swift to drop that pass. And is it a coincidence that renowned religious leader Kanye West is from Chicago???

Next Week: vs Giants, Sun 1:00 PM

20. Philadelphia Eagles (0-1, L2)

To be honest the Eagles should probably be at like 16 but I’m fucking heated. First of all, Darius Slay, nice game. Josh Sweat, really well done, fantastic performance. Dallas Goedert, I too only care about reaching 100 yards receiving in the first half. Zach Ertz, GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER. YOU’RE ELITE. Desean Jackson, WE WAITED A FULL CALENDAR FUCKING YEAR FOR THAT?? The entire offensive line, IT’S CALLED FUCKING SLIDE PROTECTION. ASK FOR CHIPS FROM TIGHT ENDS IF YOU NEED THEM. STOP EMBARRASSING THE ENTIRE FRANCHISE. Fletcher Cox, WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN SINCE THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2017? Doug Pederson, YOU’RE NOT AS FUCKING SMART AS YOU THINK YOU ARE!! JUST COPY ANDY REID! Holy shit!

And last but not least, Carson Wentz. I swear on everything holy on this fucking planet, if you don’t deliver a 300 yard performance with a qb rating of 95 or higher this Sunday and get out of your own head, as well as learn how to throw the fucking ball away, I will lay into you on next week’s article with such disrespect that you may actually read it. I’m literally on the verge of giving up on you as a franchise quarterback, and that physically hurts me to say. Show up.

Next Week: vs Rams, Sun 1:00 PM

21. Denver Broncos (0-1, L1)

So…this team looked really average on Monday Night. I really don’t have much to say. Courtland Sutton probably won’t make that big of a difference, honestly. Drew Lock looks like a second round pick who may or may not be a decent starter. The defense didn’t look bad. It wasn’t good. Who the fuck cares, it’s the Broncos.

Next Week: @ Steelers, Sun 1:00 PM

22. Cleveland Browns (0-1, L4)

Ight so here’s the thing. I don’t really blame the Cleveland defense for allowing 38 points to Baltimore when their offense was about as effective through the air as a JV high school football team running the Wing-T. Baker Mayfield has been shockingly bad the last 13 months and counting, there’s no way they’re this bad for a second straight year, and the only real storyline of note coming out of this team is that three horrible looking A Bug’s Life ass bitches say Odell like to get a Cleveland Steamer on his chest from time to time. Really unfortunate shit. This team blows.

Next Week: vs Bengals, Thu 8:20 PM

23. Detroit Lions (0-1, L10)

The L10 isn’t a typo. Detroit hasn’t won a game since October 27^th, 2019. I probably would have ranked this team top 15ish going into the year, but after a week where they 1) signed 35 year old Adrian Peterson to be their bell cow, 2) lost their top 3 corners, which was the only position group worth two shits on their defense, 3) witnessed the second arrival of Aaron Rodgers’ grace to the NFL, and 4) choked a 21-point lead to Mitchell Trubisky punctuated by a dropped touchdown pass by their “stud” rookie running back, I have officially lost all hope for Detroit. It’s going to be a long year, just blow it all up and find another way to waste a top draft pick. It’s just not worth the heartbreak. 2020 is over.

Next Week: @ Packers, Sun 1:00 PM

24. New York Giants (0-1, L2)

The Giants lost to the Lions on October 27^th, 2019. Notable additions to their team since that time are a lineman who is currently doing his best impression of Ereck Flowers (aka The Chair), a safety (so they only need 3 more defensive backs), a linebacker who can’t take a good angle to the ball to save his life, an aggravated robbery charge, and Dion Lewis. I fucking love Gettleman. Saquon loved Barry Sanders so much, he’s literally going to emulate his career.

Next Week: @ Bears, Sun 1:00 PM

25. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-0, W1)

All Hail Gardner Minshew, the NEW Ryan Fitzpatrick! When you team clearly wants to tank, you say fuck my team and win the game anyway! There will be no Process in Jacksonville this year! It doesn’t matter that there’s a very real chance the Jags go 6-10 and fuck up their chance at getting Trevor Lawrence or Justin Fields. The Stache Show must go on.

26. Indianapolis Colts (0-1, L2)

Alright but seriously how the fuck did the Colts lose to the Jags? Their roster is infinitely better. They should be nowhere near #26. Fuck it though, not my franchise not my problem.

Next Week: vs Vikings, Sun 1:00 PM

27. Washington Football Team (1-0, W1)

Yeah I’m going to go out on a whim and say the Football Team probably won’t be contending for the NFC East title after like Week 7. I had to sit and watch the evident development of this team for an excruciating three hours, and I can confidently say that they are nowhere near ready to compete but also don’t suck anymore. Dwayne Haskins went from being terrible to being very average with a lot of confidence. He’s like a black Drew Lock. I did like to see how the team rallied behind Ron Rivera and motivated each other. The Football Team will make some noise soon, just not this year.

Next Week: @ Cardinals, Sun 4:05 PM

28. Miami Dolphins (0-1, L1)

Miami is another one of those teams that might actually compete seriously in a few years. I actually really like their coaching, they’re getting solid results out of a group of players that objectively just fucking sucks. They kept a game with the Cam Newton-led Patriots close. Encouraging sign.

29. Los Angeles Chargers (1-0, W1)

This was the biggest fluke win in the history of Chargers fluke wins. You just haad to ruin Joe Burrow’s debut, didn’t you assholes? The Bengals literally could have taken another shot into the end zone if Zac Taylor or whatever the fuck his name is wasn’t such a pussy. Good defense, piss poor offense, could barely beat the Bengals, yawn.

Next Week: vs Chiefs, 4:25 PM

30. Cincinnati Bengals(0-1, L1)

…So the Cincinnati defense quietly held a Chargers offense that wasn’t expected to be that terrible to 16 points. I’m just going to throw that out there now. Every time there’s a day-2 defensive player in the draft that I think is underrated, he ends up getting drafted by Cincinnati. Jesse Bates, Darius Philips, etc. It is about that year when they would start developing well…and Joe Burrow looked pretty solid in his debut…and their skill position players might actually be good enough to work around a piss-poor offensive line….just saying.

Next Week: @ Browns Thu 8:20 PM

31. Carolina Panthers (0-1, L9)

Post-Ron-Rivera-and-Cam Carolina is painful to watch. It’s just a shitty offensive line blocking long enough to make Christian McCaffery do all the work and occasionally DJ Moore gets involved. The defense literally does absolutely nothing. They lost to the Las Vegas Josh Jacobs last week. Pathetic.

Next Week: @ Buccaneers, Sun 1:00 PM

32. New York Jets (0-1, L1)

Toxic sludge of a franchise. Should seriously consider working with the FBI to entrap Sam Darnold and Robert Kraft with a fake escort service so they can possibly win the division once this decade. Not sure how they would deal with Buffalo. Leveon Bell is out indefinitely and I’m not even sure if that’s a big loss. You can’t get worse than rock bottom. I pray for Chris Herndon every day.

Next Week: vs 49ers, Sun 1:00 PM

America’s Must-See Game of the Week

#11 New England Patriots @ #3 Seattle Seahawks, Sunday 9/20 8:20 PM

• There’s a few reasons why you absolutely should not miss this game. First of all, it’s Cam Newton vs Russell Wilson. The quarterback play should be absolutely nuts. It’s also a rematch of Super Bowl 49, so the guys who are still around from those days are probably pretty psyched up about it. And it’s on primetime, so you have no fucking excuse, idiot. Watch this game.

America’s Lowkey Must-See Game of the Week

#12 Atlanta Falcons @ #13 Dallas Cowboys, Sunday 9/20 1:00 PM

• Both of these teams have a lot of talent on the offensive part of their rosters, and they’re both 0-1. Whoever wins this game will have a good chance to recoup and compete for their division, and whoever loses will probably begin to slightly implode two weeks into the season. I bet you can guess which team I’m hoping does that last part.

America’s Stay-Away Shitfest of the Week

#25 Jacksonville Jaguars @ #14 Tennessee Titans, Sunday 9/20 1:00 PM

• I was going to go with the obvious Bengals-Browns Thursday Night Football matchup for this, which sounds fucking terrible. But the more I think about it, I start to see some merit in watching that game. Most of us didn’t watch Joe Burrow live last week, so it’s a chance to see how he is on the NFL stage. The Baker Mayfield memes will be out-fucking-standing if he sucks, and he gets a chance to redeem himself if he does well. Odell will be wearing the color brown in front of a national audience. I mean, there’s something there. On the other hand, I would rather try to drink Campbell’s Chunky Soup through a coffee straw than watch Ryan Tannehill hand the ball off to Derrick Henry, and then watch Myles Jack and only really Myles Jack make an earnest attempt at tackling him the entire game. This Jags-Titans matchup fucking stinks, but it should be decent for fantasy points so at least it has that going for it.

So yeah, I was going to predict the entire playoff bracket last week but I ended up going to visit family and didn’t have the time. Probably for the best because I was DEFINITELY picking the Patriots and Eagles to win so I’d be sitting at .500 right about now and it’s all downhill from there. Anyway, it’s 6:00 AM on the Saturday morning of the divisional round and I’m going to tell the future real quick. Here is how the playoffs are going to work the rest of the way

Divisional Round

AFC

#6 Tennessee Titans @ #1 Baltimore Ravens – 1/11 8:15 PM

A Mike Vrabel-led Tennessee Titans roster quarterbacked by Ryan Tannehill just went into Foxboro and shut out Tom Brady’s Patriots for an entire half to win a playoff game. If you ever needed proof that we live in a simulation, there you fucking go. Now, I want everybody to hold their fucking horses before we start predicting shit about the Titans that we will regret. They are not winning this game. Tennessee actually had the better roster in their matchup against New England, especially along the offensive line and at wide receiver. They caught the Patriots at the worst possible time and ran the ball down their throats in a boring, calculated win that a lot of people saw coming. That being said, I just don’t see them scoring enough on Baltimore to make this a competitive game. They have the defense to sort of hang in there, but Ryan Tannehill is not going to come anywhere close to matching the league MVP’s production through the air, and he can’t even fucking dream of doing it on the ground. The Titans win their games by getting ahead and winning a war of attrition, but that’s pretty hard to do when the other team is basically guaranteed to score a touchdown on 2 of their first 3 possessions. Big trust. 40-24 BAL

#4 Houston Texans @ #2 Kansas City Chiefs – 1/12 3:05 PM

Ah, the 2017 quarterback draft class is coming into their own as leaders of NFL franchises. Patrick Mahomes is literally reinventing the meaning of “passing offense” on a weekly basis. Deshaun Watson has fantastic chemistry with fellow Clemson alumnus Deandre Hopkins and literally no one else on the offense except Will Fuller that one week. Mitchell Trubisky is…there. Deshone Ki- ok well these two young star quarterbacks are hard at work building their playoff resumes, and this game is going to be a big one for those early legacies. While I trust Deshaun to keep this game close, there is no shot Houston is moving on to the AFC Championship unless JJ Watt has a 13-sack game or some shit. Patrick Mahomes is about to roast that secondary alive. Houston’s offensive line is about to get sodomized by a defensive front that is actually pretty good even though it takes a second to remember who Kansas City has on defense (Frank Clark! Yeah I remember that guy! Chris Jones too!) It’s also concerning that Deandre Hopkins has decided to disappear for a solid quarter or two at a time this year. I really don’t see Kansas City losing this game when Andy Reid has had two weeks to gameplan, Mahomes is finally as close to healthy as he’s going to get this season, they got Damien Williams back, Tyreek Hill isn’t suspended, KC has better players at the majority of the positions on the field, and it’s a home game. 33-20 KC

NFC

#6 Minnesota Vikings @ #1 San Francisco 49ers – 1/11 4:35 PM

Something about these 6 seeds this year, man. Let me tell you something, though. The Minnesota Vikings are no ordinary 6 seed. They aren’t some scrub ass team that won a bunch of irrelevant games and snuck into the playoffs even though they don’t belong (coughthetitansmostyearscough). The only reason Minnesota isn’t the NFC North champion is because the ball kept rolling Green Bay’s way, leading to them winning 13 games, and Dalvin Cook got hurt late in the year. Well, now Dalvin is back and in decent health, just in time to face off against the hottest team in the conference. I mean holy shit, the 49ers have swagger. They remind me so much of the 2017 Eagles. They just go out and do it, man. Heavy hitters everywhere. A rock-solid defense. Players performing way above their grade, I mean they have some motherfucker named Jeff Wilson pounding the rock for 4 yards a carry on inside runs. This is going to be a really, really fun game to watch. Ultimately though, I think we should be on upset alert. Neither quarterback is exactly a world beater, let’s make that clear. I’ll be honest though, I’d probably rather take Kirk Cousins to lead my offense, and I would certainly take him with the supporting cast around him when you compare it to San Francisco. Don’t get me wrong – Emmanuel Sanders still has it, Deebo Samuel is going to be a star, and George Kittle is an absolute force of nature – but I’d rather take two arguably top-ten receivers in Adam Thielen and Stefon Diggs and an aging but still reliable Kyle Rudolph over that, especially with a line that is slightly better. The defenses are probably a wash, as they both have studs and duds in the starting roster. Let’s be honest for a second, the home-field advantage at Levi Stadium isn’t really all that impressive, and it’s a warm-weather playoff game in San Francisco. The fans are probably more excited about planning their next Gay Pride parade than watching this game in all honesty. It’s not an intimidating prospect for Minnesota to walk into, especially when you consider they just handed Drew Brees his ass in the Superdome last week. Give me purple. 27-24 MIN

#5 Seattle Seahawks @ #2 Green Bay Packers – 1/12 6:40 PM

I don’t understand why this is the primetime Sunday game. I don’t understand why people are picking Seattle to win it. Russell Wilson is fully capable of leading this injury-riddled Seattle roster into Lambeau Field and kicking Aaron Rodgers’ Packers in the teeth in the freezing midwestern cold, but it’s way more likely that the Seahawks are going to fold like they didn’t get the river. Just last week, they needed a last-minute stop to stop 40-year-old Josh McCown with a torn hamstring, injured rookie Miles Sanders, and the lethal receiving core of Greg Ward, JJ Arcega-Whiteside and the ghost of Zach Ertz from sending their asses back to Starbucks for the offseason, and now they’re just going to slap Green Bay around? I know bullshit when I see it. Fuck Seattle, they’re the most fraudulent team remaining in the playoffs by far and in all honesty were very fortunate to have the first-round matchup they did, AND see Carson Wentz exit in the first quarter. I hope Jadeveon Clowney doesn’t record a single stat the entire game and then suffers a non-contact injury late in the 4th quarter. Green Bay has the better team, they are led by a quarterback who, despite some struggles this year, has proven to show up in big games, and they are the hosts. I don’t see any reason whatsoever to pick against them confidently. 30-14 GB

Conference Championship Round

AFC

#2 Kansas City Chiefs @ #1 Baltimore Ravens – 1/19 3:05 PM

Wow, what a surprise. These were the best two teams in the conference all year, it’s not exactly a hot take to match these teams up, but wow is this a fantastic matchup. A rematch of an early-season bout for the ages, this time in Baltimore instead of Kansas City. Two quarterbacks who are changing everything people think a quarterback should realistically be able to do right in front of our eyes. The 2018 and 2019 league Most Valuable Players. Oh, and the rest of their teams as well. This game will be a high-scoring shootout or I will be severely disappointed in the product. Hopefully, the refs will stay out of the way and let the match decide itself. I personally am on Team Chiefs for this one. Andy Reid, as much as he has disappointed in January throughout the years, is a better coach than John Harbaugh. Pat Mahomes is the best pure passer in the NFL, and his supporting cast is fantastic. Baltimore is capable of matching up and challenging KC’s offense to make tough plays with Elite Corner Marlon Humphrey, Marcus Peters, and all-world safety Earl Thomas anchoring their secondary, but I just have a gut feeling that it’s not going to be possible. In a similar vein, I don’t think Kansas City’s defense stands a shot in hell at stopping Lamar Jackson’s passing attack, but I think they’re going to get the job done in run defense. Tyrann Mathieu is going to be all over the field. Put it simply, I trust Andy Reid and Pat Mahomes to will their team to a win in this one. Especially since they’ve been here before. 41-39 KC

NFC

#6 Minnesota Vikings @ #2 Green Bay Packers – 1/19 6:40 PM

Welcome back to the annual NFC North Champi-oh shit this is just the conference chip now. Once again, Minnesota is going to have to make the trip slightly east out of the comfort of their dome and into the swirling winds of Wisconsin. Once again, that baaaaaaaad man is going to be waiting there for them. I really like Green Bay in this matchup. Aaron Rodgers doesn’t have to be a hero to win this game. He just has to pretend he’s Tom Brady for four quarters – hand the ball off to Aaron Jones, dump it off to Jamaal Williams, find Davante Adams on slants, and take about two deep shots throughout the entire game. Game manage, keep the ball out of Kirk Cousins’ – and by extension Adam Thielen and Dalvin Cook’s – hands, and put up about 275 yards of passing offense and two touchdowns. Green Bay will cruise. This will be the Aaron Jones Coming Out Party. He’s been a stud all year, and I see no better opportunity for the team to lean on him than in a must-win matchup in sub-freezing temperatures with a chance to play in the Super Bowl on the line. Minnesota’s Cinderella run ends here. 17-10 GB

Super Bowl 54

#2 Kansas City Chiefs vs #2 Green Bay Packers – 2/2 6:30 PM

These predictions will likely be hella wrong, but let’s get one thing straight: whoever wins the AFC is winning the Super Bowl this year. It’s either going to be Baltimore or KC, but if Houston or Tennessee pull some bullshit and somehow make it, they’re winning that shit too. In this matchup, Pat Mahomes’ Chiefs will mop the floor with the Green Bay Packers, as tough as it is to say. Green Bay’s defense is actually pretty good, but they also allowed San Francisco to take a fat dump on them in a pivotal matchup earlier this year. Now that the tape is out there for Andy Reid to study for two weeks, there is no shot they will ever stop the Kansas City offense. They’d be lucky to force a punt. Despite Aaron Rodgers’ most valiant efforts, KC will cruise. If their defense is good enough to even somewhat stop Lamar Jackson, they will box whoever they play next. That’s stamped, congrats to Andy Reid on finally winning his first Lombardi. Extremely well deserved. 35-23 KC

So, that’s all she wrote for the 2019 NFL Season. It’s a real bummer that my birds got bounced in the first round last week, but not every swing you take is gonna be a line drive I guess. This is exactly how the NFL season will end, down to the exact scores. You’re welcome for the future earnings on myBookie.

San Francisco 49ers (8-0)

Final Standings Projection:

12-4 (4-2 div.), 1st NFC West, #1 Seed in the NFC

State of the Team (Season):

The San Francisco 49ers have ripped off eight straight wins to begin their 2019 campaign, shocking many people including myself who believed that they were destined for improvement this season, but an overall disappointing year. Led by a defense which is top-3 by almost any metric and a run game that flat-out gashes anyone they go up against, this team has built itself to take pressure off of Jimmy Garoppolo and consistently win games by attrition. Kyle Shanahan has to be the favorite for Coach of the Year honors at this point, and a deep playoff run or even Super Bowl title is a realistic expectation for this team. That being said, they have hardly played a difficult schedule compared to many other teams throughout the league. I have questions about their ability to stand up to the heavy hitters throughout the rest of their schedule, especially the Seahawks and Ravens.

State of the Team (Long-Term):

This team is looking like a squad ripe for future regression, if we’re being completely honest. Jimmy Garoppolo still carries a lot of question marks with him onto the field with him with every start, and while absolute studs such as Nick Bosa and Deforest Buckner are present, the defense is certainly currently operating as a product greater than the sum of its parts. The good news is that they certainly hit on their coaching hire with Shanahan looking like one of the brightest young minds in the game, and the run-oriented system he has built in San Francisco can certainly survive and thrive in the fact of a potential roster turnover in the next few years. The bad news is that the competition within the division will certainly stiffen in the next few years, with the Seahawks returning to true contention and the Cardinals cooking up something special with Kyler under center for the forseeable future going along with a Rams team which went to the Super Bowl last season sticking around. The 49ers need to take advantage of the excellent opportunity they have given themselves thus far to claim home-field advantage for the playoffs and seriously contend for the Super Bowl in 2019 before the task gets harder for them (see: 2017 Philadelphia Eagles). They will almost undoubtedly see more adversity in the seasons to come as they play a 1st-place schedule as opposed to a 4th-place slate.

Team MVPs

Offense – George Kittle, who is having another great campaign

Defense – Nick Bosa, who has emerged as a legitimate Defensive MVP candidate in year 1

Interesting Shit About The 49ers

Nobody has been able to stop San Francisco’s rushing attack so far this season. It’s been the key to their hot start this season, but the addition of Emmanuel Sanders to their receiving corps leads to the potential of a strong passing attack emerging as we head into the dogfight portion of the NFL season. The Niners have clearly pushed all their chips to the center of the table and are betting on their ability to win now.

The Vic Doctor’s Recommendation:

The 49ers need to pull out all the stops they can to reach Super Bowl 54. They’re in a great position to do so with a 1 seed and home field advantage throughout the playoffs well within reach, and historically the 1 seed has had the best chance of making the big game throughout the past decade. After this season, they are going to need to do some wheeling and dealing to recoup some of the draft picks they lost, as they currently don’t have a single pick between the projected 28th and 166th picks in the 2020 NFL Draft. They need to reinforce their strength along the lines and at the linebacker position for their system to continue working correctly and decide what they want Richard Sherman’s future with the team to be. Overall, I don’t see this team replicating their success in 2020 but they should have a great window to win big for years after 2021 if they play their cards right.